Morning all. Slept poorly, really want coffee. It is brewing, so lets just jump into the prompt to distract while waiting. Timers set and off we go.
I will be wondering what memories were suppressed for the rest of the day.
Wednesday, November 19th: It swung back and forth.
It swung back and forth. I watched the slow and deliberate sway of the silver medallion on a chain as I was instructed. I tried not to think about the hypnotists from cartoons in my childhood. It was difficult. A specific episode of Buggs Bunny kept cropping up. I could hear the voices from the episode in my head.
It didn’t help that the doctor had a voice vaguely reminiscent of Buggs.
I reminded myself that this was important. If I wanted to get the memories back I needed to work with the process instead of against it. I hated the hole in my memories. It haunted me more than any horrific event could. I tried telling other doctors that and they insisted that the gap was my brain’s way of protecting itself. That I would remember when I was ready.
I was ready. My brain just wasn’t cooperating.
I tried memory enhancing teas and writing down my dreams. I tried mental exercises galore and even took up running. Several books claimed that focusing on physical exertion could help free the brain and let it relax.
While I had moved past the aches and pains and thinking I was going to die with each step to making pretty good time in a recent marathon, no memories were triggered. While I kept running, I also added Tai Chi, Boxing and because there was a flyer at the local boxing gym where I was sparring with a giant bag of sand, archery at a local range.
I was able to focus on a single point and aim really well, generally striking near the center. I would never be Robin Hood, the bull’s eyes I could occasionally manage slightly off center and it was rare enough that each was cause for celebration. But as I was shooting my bow, my brain emptied out and I concentrated on the physical. The running and boxing were the same. Each emptied out my mind, to focus, but didn’t spark any memory.
Three weeks ago, I went for swimming, thinking if I could swim underwater then I could block out sound as well and perhaps then in my own little world my brain would begin to relax enough to let me into the locked box of memories.
Thus far that hadn’t helped either.
Then my doctor mentioned the possibility of hypnosis. He didn’t have high hopes and didn’t think too much of the discipline, but as I kept pestering him, I think he gave me the number as a last resort. Perhaps he thought if this failed, I would just relax and let the memories come in their own time.
So here I was, comfortable and watching a gleaming medallion swing back and forth, trying not to think about Buggs Bunny.
Eventually, I was able to let thoughts of cartoons go and felt my eyes start to slip closed. The lids felt weighted and, as I hadn’t been sleeping very well anyway, it felt natural to close them. There was darkness. Peaceful, empty darkness.
Then I snapped awake.
I blinked and looked at the doctor, all sleepiness gone. He had a troubled look on his face, his brow furrowed, deep wrinkles seeming somehow tense around his eyes and mouth.
“Don’t feel bad Doctor,” I told him. “Nothing else has worked yet either.”
“Yes,” he said. “But I want you to come back next week. I think…I think we can get somewhere.”
He seemed both concerned and nervous, fidgeting with his medallion in a way he hadn’t before, running the length of chain between his fingers and circling his thumb on the flat of the medallion in a continuous motion. I nodded and told him I would call to schedule my next appointment once I looked at my calendar. I hadn’t brought it with me. How was I to know that before I could book my next appointment, he would be dead?
Ten til Midnight 